The pain on his husband’s face came as a surprise to Castiel and for a moment, he wished he’d been human for this, high on drugs and unable to feel the punch to his gut the more the other’s soul dimmed in response to the strain between them. Tears that had previously pricked his eyes, spilled forth and Castiel quickly wiped them away with his sleeve at a speed Dean wouldn’t be able to pick up on —or he hoped the hunter didn’t pick up.
This had been his one true love, the only one Castiel had ever wanted so completely and their issues had ruined everything between them. It had been a decision Castiel struggled with for a long time, but he couldn’t keep postponing the inevitable, knowing they could never truly go back to the way they were. And now that Dean was around for a change, it was best to take the step before he chickened out again and would have to wait for several more months.
“If I’m wrong, this is your chance to tell me,” he interjected, believing Dean to remain silent anyway. Neither of them had ever been good in sharing their feelings, and besides the successful sessions where Castiel had sat with Dean and let him open up in his own time, this was right back to how they’d started, afraid and always silent to what was going on inside. It was their ruin then, and would no doubt be their ruin now.
Castiel didn’t know this Benny, but at the man’s name, his wings bristled and he forced himself to take a deep breath in order to calm down. This Benny didn’t necessarily have to be Dean’s lover, and even if he was, surely the hunter wouldn’t let another man father their daughter. Would he? As soon as the man had signed the papers, more tears fell from his eyes and he nodded his gratitude, taking them back from Dean and putting them back under his coat where he wouldn’t lose them during his flight. “I—I’m sorry, Dean.”
Dean was not the kind of a person to let any other person take the place of someone who was gone. —Hell, he had spend his whole life with being broken and empty because a lot of people had left a huge whole in his chest that he didn’t allow to be filled by anyone.
Anyone but this little angel in front of his desk who was watching him sign their down-fall.
He remained silent when Castiel asked him to talk - What was the need in talking, when the both of them knew that there was no way to save it anyway? Dean preferred ending it in a nice and clean cut than worse.
They didn’t needed to argue another time; especially because Dean didn’t had the power for it anymore. He was tired… So tired that he couldn’t even put it in words, and if it wouldn’t be for their daughter’s…. For Castiel’s daughter and Dean’s daughters Dean would have give up long ago.
Run into a battlefield from which he would never be able to return. Maybe he’d meet Sammy again. Maybe his mother. Who could tell that, right?
Maybe he’d be able to play Casper…
“Don’t.”, he cut in once the other one started apologising, the pained look still on his face but anger flaming up as well. “Don’t you dare…”, he whispered in the next moment, before he shook his head once again.
“There is nothing. Not a single thing you have to apologise for.” —At least, Dean knew that those things, Castiel had to apologise for, he did not feel sorry for at the first place. “You gave me a reason to live.”, and this sounded so wrong and he decided to shrug. “Iana. —I wouldn’t have her now if it wasn’t because of you.”
“It is over now… And…I don’t want to hear any empty apologises, Castiel…You hear me? I knew what I signed to when I did,and I did take the risks. It didn’t work. Fine. That’s just how life is.”
Castiel still wanted to hear from Dean whether he was spending time with his other daughter or not. Yet his husband had failed to let him know where he was, what he was doing and how Iana was doing. They were all reasons enough for a couple to argue, but the former angel wouldn’t, knowing most of what had happened was his fault anyway. Where Dean was the instignator at first, having to learn loyalty and fidelity, Castiel himself had strayed over the years and become someone completely different from who they were when they met. Dean had changed too, but for the better. The former angel could never deserve him again.
Nodding his understanding, he slowly raised his teary eyes to meet Dean’s, before opening his trench coat and pulling out a stack of papers, holding them out to Dean. “We’ll never get past it,” he whispered pathetically, knowing that as long as Dean saw those past mistakes, the pain and sorrow, there was no more future for them. “Tell me, where’s Iana?”
It pained Dean even more to see that Castiel had brought the papers… It was the end. Not the end Dean would have wanted —Hell, he’d take the apocalypse if he had to, but this? This was too big for him.
The man —The angel. The fallen Angel. —He had loved and would always love was done with him. It was better this way… Dean wouldn’t get more hurt than he was and Castiel wouldn’t ache for something, that neither of them could create ever again.
They shouldn’t have let it come that far at the first place. Always had argued, always had problems, trust issues. Once one of them had started trusting the other one fully, the other one pulled away. And there was no need in denying it: Dean had known that it would end this way.
He had known that it could not work when Castiel did not trust him equally as he trusted the former angel —Who happened to be an angel again now. Dean was burning to ask what had happened and how he had gotten his grace back, but that wasn’t the point of this whole conversation.
“If you say so…”, he said with a blank and monotone voice before he took the papers and walked over to the table in the room, sitting down and reading through it —Pretending to read through it.
He needed time. But then again… He didn’t. He had been waiting for this moment for the past months..
Dean was just about to sign the papers, when Castiel asked for Iana —Iana wasn’t just his. He had taken her away from Castiel because he had been falling… “She is fine.” There was no need in telling Castiel where she was; if she would want him to find her, she would let him. But obviously, if Castiel wasn’t even able to ‘feel’ his own daughter, it was not up to Dean to get in the middle of those two for a second time.
He had nearly lost his daughter once; he wouldn’t risk it a second time. “Playing with Lacey. Benny is with them and making sure they do not do anything too stupid…”
A nother deep, deep sigh and Dean lowered his gaze down at the papers one more time, looking at the cross where he had to sign… And he did. He gave Castiel what he wanted…
Always would. “Here you go…”
Being an angel temporarily had its perks, and knowing Dean like he did, he could tell the man’s desire to move away before the warm skin of his palm connected with the other’s cheek, but he pushed on, and seeing as how his husband didn’t pull away, he let himself get accustomed to the feel of it again. Well, up until the moment where Dean grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away, which wasn’t that much of a surprise really.
“If it’s such nonsense, then tell me why you keep rejecting me? Why you leave and never tell me where you’re going for weeks or months at a time?” he cut off his sentence, taking a shuddering breath he didn’t really need, but had grown used to. “I don’t think you want me anymore, Dean. Just like you don’t really love me.”
Dean took a step backwards when the Angel finally started talking properly and stopped demanding on doing it if Dean really wanted it or really asked for it. Of course the former hunter knew that bringing up what the other one had done wouldn’t be usefullat all right now, and so he decided to stay silent for a while.
“Hunting.”, was the first thing he said after a while of watching the angel desperatly stare down and pretend the ground would be the most entertaining object he had ever seen.
“With Lacey.” After all Castiel and she hadn’t managed to get along, either, and there was no way Dean could have pushed his own flesh and blood away. “—And I do not appreciate having you touch me because…Well ‘guess that’s obvious.”,he muffled the last part before another deep sigh left his lips and he shrugged.
“I may not be the best brother or the best father —And hell; I’m probably the worst husband… But whenever I look at you, I see the pain we’ve made each other go through… But I will not discuss… I’ll…sign the papers when you…Bring them over.” The tears were sparkling in his eyes while he tried his best to put a smile on.
“If you really want to know,” he answered, clenching his jaw as he moved closer to Dean, coming to stand before him and with all the courage he could muster, kept his eyes locked on the former hunter’s. “You can look at me,” he started, but paused again as he tried to make sense of his own thoughts, put them into words that would reach Dean. “You can look at me, but you can’t stand to be touched by me.” As if to prove his point, he lifted his hand shakily to Dean’s face, his heart beating thunderously in his chest as he awaited the rejection that would no doubt follow. After all, it was all he’d done ever since he’d returned from hiding, reject Castiel and make him feel even more worthless.
Castiel was wrong… —Dean couldn’t even look at him. But that wasn’t the point now. The point was that Castiel gave up, and honestly? Of course he did! Everyone would.
When the man reached out to touch him, Dean wanted to pull away, if not only because he didn’t wanted to be used as a labour-rat for tests, but he didn’t. He let the other one touch his face and looked him right in the deep blue eyes.
“You are talking non-sense.” he said in the next moment, before he pulled the other’s hand away by laying his own finger around his wrist. “—This is a bad reason to ask for a divorce. Try another one.” No doubt Castiel would be able to find another few hunderd reasons more.
It wasn’t really what he wanted, but Dean didn’t want him anymore and there were others willing to heal his heart if he just surrendered to them, but in order to do that, he needed to sever the tie, end this marriage that was nothing but a written statement of their union now. After all, Dean hadn’t responded to his advances the last time they met, and it was apparent, he didn’t want anything to do with the junkie, so why postpone things further when it only caused everyone pain.
“I think I do,” he whispered, briefly changing a look at the man with the broken soul that had always kept him captivated, and it hurt that where he hadn’t been able to see it for so long, he had to see the ruptures now, when he least needed to see the damage he’d done. “I don’t know, do you —want to know?”
“I do… —It’s…. It’s the least you can do, Castiel.”, Dean’s voice was broken, and he still avoided the other’s gaze. The man who would have fight for everything was long gone. All that was left was the broken and shettered pieces of him.
Pieces, that couldn’t do anything but cut those, who tried to putt it together…
It hurt even more to see Castile like that again. Castiel ‘thought’ he wanted this? Fine… He’d get it.
Dean had agreed on signing those stupid papers before, too, why should he deny the other’s request now, right?
Castiel did his best not to stare at the man he loved above anything else, looking at a spot behind Dean instead as he swallowed the lump in his throat. Taking a moment to gather the courage, he winced at how broken and gravel his voice sounded when he finally spoke, “I think we should get divorced.”
Dean didn’t know what it was that made Castiel act the way he did, but once he heard the other’s words, he closed his eyes and lowered his head.
How often did he had to go through this? Hadn’t it been enough..?
“If that’s what you want.”, the Winchester said with a low voice before he shrugged. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to people letting him fall down several times, but that didn’t change the fact that it hurt like hell. “Do I want to know…Why you want the divorce?”
Dean winched once he heard Castiel’s voice behind himself, turning around and starring at the Angel in front of him. “C-Cas..?”, he muffled, considering to ask how he had managed to sneak up on him that much before he nodded quickly. “Yeah…Just shoot.”
Acknowledging the words with a soft humming sound, he turned and opened the door, mind already racing with the news that his husband and daughter would be leaving him again, but he knew there was nothing he could say to make them stay. Why would they listen to him anyway? He was everything Dean didn’t want. Iana might be easier to pursuade, but he couldn’t protect her, too doped up half of the time to really get a grip on what was happening and no longer strong enough to fight against his family if they came for her.
“I’ll be back,” he repeated, before closing the door behind him and walking the couple of blocks to where he knew someone would be carrying what he needed.
Watching Castiel leave hurt more than blink and realize the man was gone… —This time he could actually feel the way his heart once again getting ripped out and following Castiel..
“I’ll be waiting…”, he mumbled and watched the man leave.
As soon as Castiel left, Iana opened the door to her room and glared at him —There was no way she couldn’t have heard them, and once again as every night they fought - She fought with him and he just listened to the hatred his own flesh and blood felt towards him.
Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’
Dean didn’t answer with words anymore, he kept silent and looked at the other’s face, feeling even worse while seeing him like this. It was all his fault, no one’s but his.
He had ruined the life of Iana and Castiel…Ruined their family. Their happiness..
Of course he ddn’t regret having Iana, but there were times when he thought about the things that could have happened if they wouldn’t have her. If they would be happy now or apart and with other partners?
Castiel’s words only made him nod but except that he didn’t say anything, just nodded a few times and looked into his eyes.
It took him a while before he brought his hand up to cup the other’s cheek and wipe the tears away and before he whispered: “I’m not worthy anymore, Castiel..You can’t see it, but I feel it…”
Pressing his forehead against Dean’s, leaning into the touch he had craved for so long, his own eyelashes fluttered to a close, breaking the stare briefly as he took a steadying breath. When he opened them again, the tears no longer shone, but there was a fierce determination in his baby blues, as fierce as possibly in his state.
“Then we’ll be broken and unworthy together, Dean,” he whispered, although he could never think any less of Dean. Even when the man hurt him, and Castiel knew he could never be enough, he never could think it was somehow Dean’s fault, because it simply wasn’t. Everything he did…It had its consequences, and he would always find a way to blame himself, before burying it under the safe blanket the drugs provided. Pain unresolved, but at least blame didn’t fall upon his husband then.
Putting a hand on Dean’s chest, he felt the beating of his heart underneath as he finished his sentence, “At least that way, we’ll deserve each other…Always.”
Dean had waited for those hands to touch him again for so long…But all he could think about was how they touched someone else…How they betrayed him - Who else they touched…
It wasn’t that easily..
No matter how much Dean craved for him and no matter how much he wanted to hide himself against the other’s chest, pretend the world would be a safe place where they could be happy together, he couldn’t.
He knew that he was no one who was allowed to judge Castiel since he had once nearly done the same mistake and…Although it would probably burn forever inside his head and tell him that Castiel didn’t care for who he was fucking as long as he got someone, he preferred ignoring it now, looking down at the hand on his chest before he nodded.
“I can’t keep fighting anymore…”